Friday, January 10, 2014

The time has come...

I recently had a conversation with my wife.  I told her that I like me better when I've been drinking.  After all, that person is funny. He's the life of the party, he is witty, he knows stuff and is not afraid to express it. He writes well, and don't dare challenge him in debate. He will smack you down and leave you wondering what just hit you.

He is the me that I know, the one with which I can put my feet up on the coffee table, the one that I like hanging out with, the one that I've been drunk with, the one that I've done stupid shit with. The person that I know better than anyone else  But he is killing me... he is bad for me.

And then my wife told me she does not like that person.  How can that be?  He has never abused her, he has never struck her... but she does not like being around him?  Despite the fact that he is the life of the party... she wants to avoid him.

I don't know the real me.  I have been drinking since I was a kid, I have dodged and ducked and gone so many different ways that I've lost track of where and whom I'm supposed to be.

I have managed to avoid the problems and pitfalls, I have not killed myself or anyone else. I have at times been grossly inebriated, yet I have functioned... to this day you might not realize I was under the influence unless you smelled it on my breath. I can make complex decisions and read and write... all under the influence.  I can build and maintain computers, I can set up a network in front of you, all while under the influence.  Even as I write this, yep... you guessed it.

I'm afraid the piper is warming up in the wings, that my dues are going to demand payment... so it is up to me to quit the club.

On the plus side?  I get to define myself... I get to be me with no preconceived notions. I get to reinvent me... for no one else knows me either.

I get to choose my mask, if I wish to wear one.

Perhaps I will not.

Friday, December 27, 2013

A New Year... a Chance for a Clean Slate

I have learned to build walls. I have hidden behind them. I am an expert mason. I have taught myself that the only person I can trust is me.

Consequently, I have walled myself off from others. It is a lonely, cold place to be. I have Scrooged myself and probably hurt those I do care about in ways I cannot measure.

For 2014, I pledge to change that. I pledge to love each of you better. Whether you are a friend or a family member, I pledge to love you in the best way I know how. You may get a hug. I may look you in the eye and tell you that I love you. It may be awkward... but you're getting it.

The last time I spoke to my mother about 16 years ago, I told her “I love you.” I can go to my grave not regretting that. I have plenty of other regrets in life... I don't need to add to the pile.

So there you go. My New Year's resolution is not to quit some bad habit (working on that too.) But it is to form a new habit. To love you.


How is that?

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Hurt

I don't know how else to  title this post. It just seems appropriate.

I have thought of doing this publicly, of metaphorically painting myself into a corner. Facebook is an avenue, but I don't trust all of those people. They are not all true friends. I don't fear much in life, yet I fear those judgmental eyes. I will likely fail repeatedly, I will likely fall flat on my face multiple times, much like a toddler learning to walk.

I could throw it out there to the 100+ people who claim to be my friends, or I can share it with the select few of you who have chosen to listen to me. I trust you far more.

Here is my original post, destined for Facebook... but I wimped out.

*****



Dear friends... I have a revelation to share with you.

I almost did this a few months ago, but I felt too many judgmental eyes staring at me. Paranoia, perhaps. Maybe this is not the best way to go about this, but I am betting it all on this single roll of the dice.

Now, I simply don't give a shit.

And if you are going to sit in judgment of me... then I further don't care. I don't want you as a friend.

As we enter the New Year, I will admit....

I drink too much.

I have been drinking since I was 11 or 12, when I first discovered some of my dad's whiskey. I managed to be functional... I graduated High School, I have an associate's degree (AAS) and continue to this day to be working on a bachelor's. I even held down a career in the U.S. Air Force. I have done things which you can only imagine. I don't even want to try to calculate how much this has cost me over the years.

My dad was an asshole, he murdered my mother. There are other facts I can bring into this, feelings of pain and loss, but I am really no different than you.

I have been running from pain and, I suppose, life. A close and intimate friend reminded me of that recently. My life sucked... but didn't all of ours? I don't hold a monopoly on suck-ism. I am simply sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I will likely fall flat on my face, at least a few times. But I am turning and fighting back.

As we go into the New Year, I am cleaning house. All I ask as we move forward... if you are a true friend, remain so. If you are a new friend, become a better (and true) friend.

I am not asking for your pity or sympathy. I am simply asking for you to be a true and loyal friend as I venture down a road I have never traversed.

--Sam

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

War is over... if you want it

So this is Christmas.

Anyone who knows me would never accuse me of being a pacifist.  I will go on testosterone infused rants, I pack a pistol most places I go, and if anyone dares to cross me by invading my house or threatening my loved ones, they do so at their own peril.

But I *AM* a pacifist.

I do not wish to harm anyone else, and I don't want to be bothered.  But I will inflict egregious harm if the need arises.  Leave me alone, I will leave you alone too.  Live and let live. I served 20 years in the U.S. Air Force, I was prepared to fight, to harm others, or die myself. Fortunately, it did not come down to that level of self-sacrifice, but I did participate in campaigns...  the first Gulf War, Kosovo, etc.  I actually don't know how much blood is on my own hands. Yet no one despises war more than the warrior. The armchair generals & politicians are far too generous with pawns and the blood of others.

So this is Christmas.

I am reflecting.



(If you can watch this emotionless, you are a tougher sumbitch than yours truly)


I landed in Guam a few hours before the horrendous attacks of 9/11/01. It was supposed to be a 15 month tour in a tropical paradise, but I awakened to a changed world. I helped with the transit of a massive amount of troops and armament headed to Afghanistan in that post-apocalyptic world. I came back at the end of 2002, and then I got to participate in the build up to the 2003 Iraq war. I retired in 2004, just because it was time. I came into the USAF at the height of the Cold War, when things were black & white. Somehow the lines became blurry, and the shades merged into gray.

Back to the subject... We went into Afghanistan, we bombed the hell out of them, and then we bombed them some more. At some point, all we did was make the rubble bounce.

Now, I am not saying we should not have started it, for the Taliban government was giving Osama bin Laden safe asylum, and by most accounts they were not exactly a humanitarian form of government.

Yet we are still there, 13 years later. Why?

The countries of central Asia and the middle east do not have traditions of democracy, and no matter how much we cram it down their throats, all the copies of the Magna Carta  you can muster will not make them eat, breathe, and sleep representative government.

Unlike WW II, when the country was committed to victory, we are now happy with mediocrity.  We have become so efficient at war that the country does not feel it.

So this is Christmas, and what have you done?

War is over... if you want it.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." -- Jimi Hendrix

Just some semi-random thoughts.

Merry Christmas and best wishes for the New Year.

Let's hope 2014 brings us a little closer to "Peace on Earth."

Here are the lyrics to go with the above video, if you're inclined to listen to the words and understand with your heart.

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun


And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young


A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear


And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong


And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight


A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear


And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun


And so Happy Christmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas

And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear


War is over over
If you want it
War is over
Now...


Monday, December 23, 2013

Woefully Behind Times...

So I've been (as the subject implies) woefully behind times.  A lot of stuff on my mind, and have also been busy with my college classes.

Of course plowing my car into a utility pole on Nov 24th didn't help, and it put me into a bit of a funk... lost car, and the ensuing soreness. In addition to soreness (aren't airbags supposed to be SOFT?) I felt depressed & hopeless for a while after that.

Volvoritos go "Crunch" when you eat 'em!

Just before that accident, I had taken a step forward and earned an industry certificate. (CIW Web Foundations Associate).  But that whole situation had to go by the wayside.  The remainder of my term, which ends on 12/31, was at risk. My advisor/mentor told me what was at risk.  So in about 1 weeks' time, I managed to crank through two classes of material and two exams. Together, those equate to my CompTIA A+ certification. It wasn't easy. I did everything except sleep in front of my PC. Were it not for my 30+ years experience working with computers, it would have been nearly impossible. It wasn't rocket science, but it wasn't super easy either.

So here ya go... I'm going to try and write more soon... but don't hold your breath. I'll do what I can, when I can.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Winning the Lottery (Part 2)


In case you missed it, here's my earlier post on this topic:





So it finally happened... I checked Google Maps earlier tonight, and my semi-immortalized self showed up in all my vagrant, derelict glory.

I was beginning to wonder if they simply did a drive by just for the hell of it.

(Click for larger version, if you dare...)


I should have mooned 'em.


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Presidents vs. Crazy Horse (Part I: The Presidents)

Most everyone is aware of the Mt. Rushmore National Memorial in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Unless you are blind or have lived under a rock, you have seen many images of this American symbol.  I have seen it in person, and it IS impressive.


As a patriotic American and USAF veteran, I am proud of this sculpture and what it is intended to portray. The sculptor, Gutzon Borglum, chose his subjects for specific reasons:  George Washington represents the founding of the nation; Thomas Jefferson, its expansion; Abraham Lincoln, its preservation; and Theodore Roosevelt, its development and emergence onto the world stage in the 20th century.


The two images above are the most common presentations depicted in media, and when one walks through the entrance to the memorial.  Directly, front-on.  But now I'm going to throw a few different perspectives at you.

It is difficult to fully appreciate the scale of the carvings without a reference of known size.  Even the trees in the previous image seem like they could be saplings... but they aren't.

Maintenance workers atop the carvings.

The true scale.
As one approaches the memorial, winding through the scenic Black Hills, the first image you may see is this one, a photo I snapped in 1990:

From SD Rt 244

 After you park your vehicle, you'll see the "Avenue of Flags" as you enter the memorial:

Avenue of Flags (From NPS website)

Here is a photo I took of a model inside the interpretive center.  It is one version of what Borglum intended the sculpture to look like, but as I understand, after he passed away and his son took over, they ran low on money.

Sculptor's model

Here is one angle you don't see often... SD Rt 244 winds around behind the memorial. I think that this image is more difficult to capture now, because the trees have grown taller. Here is Mr. Washington in a profile that I snapped from that road:

Heading 'round behind the mountain....
There is also a road opposite Mt. Rushmore, called "Iron Mountain Road" (US Rt 16 & 16A) It is a scenic drive, is narrow in places and has many twists and turns.  It also has a tunnel which perfectly frames the sculpture from one direction, and is best viewed earlier in the day. (Later in the day, the carvings are in shadow as the sun goes down.)

Iron Mountain Road tunnel view. (From NPS website)

Another view from Iron Mountain Road,
visitor's center visible at base of mountain.
(From NPS website)
This project was undertaken during the Great Depression and was ultimately funded by Congress.  It cost under $1 million and was completed with no fatalities, despite the hazardous and precarious working conditions. It is impressive to contemplate and view.

Now for the Dark Side...


Like many achievements of the United States of America, there is a shameful side to this magnificent American icon.  It is not obvious; the casual observer, as I once was, will never know it and go away with good feelings about our nation and its history. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging the good things the USA has accomplished, but I feel it is important to not be ignorant of the shadows in our past and skeletons in our closet.

First of all, The Black Hills were promised to the Lakota Sioux by the Treaty of Laramie in 1868. It was supposed to be forever their land.  They consider the land sacred, and for it to be scarred in this manner is abhorrent.

The Name "Mount Rushmore" was applied by a party leading a man named "Charles Rushmore" on a gold prospecting expedition in 1877. (I only just learned the following detail myself: Apparently one of the locals in the party was David Swanzey who was the husband of Carrie Ingalls, the sister of Laura Ingalls of Little House on the Prairie fame.)  Regardless of name, they were prospecting illegally.

These incursions by settlers and prospectors led to the Sioux & Cheyenne war of 1876/77 and the U.S. Government to reclaim the land.  (A notable battle of this war was The Battle of the Little Bighorn, aka "Custer's Last Stand.")

Legally, this land belonged to the Sioux. This was upheld by a Supreme Court ruling in 1980 in which the land was assessed at 1877 value, plus 5% annual interest. In exchange for over $100 million, the claim was supposed to be settled.  The Sioux have refused the settlement and simply want their land back, even though the money held by the U.S Treasury reportedly has now grown to over $500 million.

Gutzon Borglum's previous project was the carving of Stone Mountain in Georgia, which he left during a dispute with the project organizers. This is a memorial depicting Confederate President Jefferson Davis, Generals Robert E. Lee, and "Stonewall" Jackson.  This alone is not a bad thing... many good men on both sides of the Civil War fought and died for what they believed in.  But Borglum is known to have been an influential member of the Ku Klux Klan. Not exactly the poster child of freedom, democracy, and equality.

Furthermore, the U.S. Presidents he chose to depict all had overt policies and views which were hostile to Native Americans. Many of their statements are documented advocating removal or extermination of the native populations from the lands sought by white settlers for expansion.
-------------------------

I look at this memorial, and I remember.  I remember the greatness of the USA and the leaders who formed it in all its imperfection, but also left us the promise of a greater tomorrow.  I also remember the costs to get to this time.  The price in blood, sorrow, lives, and irreplaceable cultures.

It is truly a memorial for all to contemplate both the good and the bad.

TO BE CONTINUED...




National Park Service site: Mount Rushmore
A source for interesting reading:  Mount Rushmore Revisited
Wikipedia article about Mount Rushmore