Hurt

I don't know how else to  title this post. It just seems appropriate.

I have thought of doing this publicly, of metaphorically painting myself into a corner. Facebook is an avenue, but I don't trust all of those people. They are not all true friends. I don't fear much in life, yet I fear those judgmental eyes. I will likely fail repeatedly, I will likely fall flat on my face multiple times, much like a toddler learning to walk.

I could throw it out there to the 100+ people who claim to be my friends, or I can share it with the select few of you who have chosen to listen to me. I trust you far more.

Here is my original post, destined for Facebook... but I wimped out.

*****

Hurt

Dear friends... I have a revelation to share with you.

I almost did this a few months ago, but I felt too many judgmental eyes staring at me. Paranoia, perhaps. Maybe this is not the best way to go about this, but I am betting it all on this single roll of the dice.

Now, I simply don't give a shit.

And if you are going to sit in judgment of me... then I further don't care. I don't want you as a friend.

As we enter the New Year, I will admit....

I drink too much.

I have been drinking since I was 11 or 12, when I first discovered some of my dad's whiskey. I managed to be functional... I graduated High School, I have an associate's degree (AAS) and continue to this day to be working on a bachelor's. I even held down a career in the U.S. Air Force. I have done things which you can only imagine. I don't even want to try to calculate how much this has cost me over the years.

My dad was an asshole, he murdered my mother. There are other facts I can bring into this, feelings of pain and loss, but I am really no different than you.

I have been running from pain and, I suppose, life. A close and intimate friend reminded me of that recently. My life sucked... but didn't all of ours? I don't hold a monopoly on suck-ism. I am simply sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I will likely fall flat on my face, at least a few times. But I am turning and fighting back.

As we go into the New Year, I am cleaning house. All I ask as we move forward... if you are a true friend, remain so. If you are a new friend, become a better (and true) friend.

I am not asking for your pity or sympathy. I am simply asking for you to be a true and loyal friend as I venture down a road I have never traversed.

--Sam