The time has come...

I recently had a conversation with my wife.  I told her that I like me better when I've been drinking.  After all, that person is funny. He's the life of the party, he is witty, he knows stuff and is not afraid to express it. He writes well, and don't dare challenge him in debate. He will smack you down and leave you wondering what just hit you.

He is the me that I know, the one with which I can put my feet up on the coffee table, the one that I like hanging out with, the one that I've been drunk with, the one that I've done stupid shit with. The person that I know better than anyone else  But he is killing me... he is bad for me.

And then my wife told me she does not like that person.  How can that be?  He has never abused her, he has never struck her... but she does not like being around him?  Despite the fact that he is the life of the party... she wants to avoid him.

I don't know the real me.  I have been drinking since I was a kid, I have dodged and ducked and gone so many different ways that I've lost track of where and whom I'm supposed to be.

I have managed to avoid the problems and pitfalls, I have not killed myself or anyone else. I have at times been grossly inebriated, yet I have functioned... to this day you might not realize I was under the influence unless you smelled it on my breath. I can make complex decisions and read and write... all under the influence.  I can build and maintain computers, I can set up a network in front of you, all while under the influence.  Even as I write this, yep... you guessed it.

I'm afraid the piper is warming up in the wings, that my dues are going to demand payment... so it is up to me to quit the club.

On the plus side?  I get to define myself... I get to be me with no preconceived notions. I get to reinvent me... for no one else knows me either.

I get to choose my mask, if I wish to wear one.

Perhaps I will not.